An Aerial View

Boxspring Altar

2012-02-13T04:47:00.001-08:00

I die alone each night.

Attached at the Hip

2012-02-13T04:44:00.001-08:00

Fresh seams ripped clean

dreams of memories

and

made up scenes

Potential

Regrets

Torture myself with

shredded legs

shins dripping in

reminders of has beens.

Room for One

2012-02-13T04:35:00.001-08:00

Now my room

my own space

my safe haven

once again

Has become

a disgrace

a grave yard

for what could've been.

Frostbite

2012-02-12T23:46:00.001-08:00

Letting go hurts

just as much

as being choked

like coming in

too quick from the cold

hands burn

Lonely

They long to be held

and to hold

Chrysalis

2012-02-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

I don’t think caterpillars spend their days in the darkness knowing they’re going to emerge as butterflies.

I don’t think men spend their days in the darkness knowing they’re going to emerge as gods.

Introductions.

2012-02-06T03:12:00.001-08:00

Allow me to take a second and get centered in

take a deep breath

redirect all of this adrenalin

Voice shakes like it's holding all of my weight

Carefully choosing words

because anyone could make or break

The Nomadic Chromaddict 'cause I'm addicted to hues

and new views

unskewed

by my harsh Winter time moods

I've gotta keep making moves

keep swinging my limbs

and when my head gets too heavy

I start letting out hymns

I've got

3 months

6 days

to feel

and then it's right back to that suitcase

a lifetime kicking up heels

Some call it a complex

an obsession with progress

but that's a bit too much credit

because the point is it's thoughtless

but I digress

Here I am

back at this scene

8,000 days watching that stage

knowing well someday that'd be me

I don't know what you're selling

but I can say that I'll pass

'cause anything you could want me to be or buy

I am

and I already have

Excuse me

but my name is not "Consumer"

I am more than the card holding daughter of a boomer

I've got a sixth sense

and it is one of humor

Can't keep up with the Nomad?

Then maybe you should pursue her.

Lost Chronicles: Dec 20, 2010

2012-02-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

I felt compelled to write you down
but like a dream upon waking
you slurred and stumbled away

I saw hazy frames of days
in beautiful places
beyond description
I saw tender hands to delicate chins
and breeze blowing the tall grass around you.
Eyes that kissed every surface
and just the smallest of smiles hiding.

I wanted it to be me.

You were the lover I thought the world wanted me to have
but you belonged to someone else
and I had just been dropped into a void
fully furnished
and smelling of someone else’s memories.

I adopted traits I thought you’d recognize
or miss about her
And even though I’d never
met her
seen her
known her
I could feel my way through it.

And I did.

Til I fell through completely

and ended up on the other side.

the endless corridor.

2011-12-18T04:00:00.000-08:00

tongue tied and twisted

confused beyond logic
should have me committed
living at somewhat chronic
yet mystic
levels of perception.
Damn me to hell,
I admit it,
that at a nightmare’s reception
I abandon the infinite
and
I’m left rather lonely and fatalistic.
Solidity is rejected
Blurred lines get intercepted
by new lines
by fine lines
by old lines
Inception.
How can I break out of a cell that’s been created
by a being that lives in more dimensions than
I can pray in?

and all dimly lit exits come to a close with thick chains.

and all of these hallways lead to scary rooms in my brain.

Learning Styles

2011-11-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

He taught me to appreciate the nice words

by overusing the hurtful

You teach me to appreciate the nice words

by only using them when you mean them.

High Contrast Corn Syrup

2011-11-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

The truth is
because of past hurt

I've become quite guarded.

My verses grow generic,
like they're pumped with chemicals
on some corporate cropland
Like some high fructose corn syrup
diluted with too much water.
Sometimes my words
fail to impress
like the pages of a shallow book
forging a leaf
may fail to preserve
like the inky old arm of a typewriter
may fail to set

And though I know I have my emotions
and though I know that they are
all tightly wound
in colorful spools
I have not yet chosen
what the theme of my public tapestry will be.
So in the mean time,
I utilize my safest chromes
my purely negatives
and positives.
Conservatively I etch in
the occasional shade
just to give me
the slightest hint of depth.

To you I seem
bland
vapid
insipid
and
monochromatic

but don't let that fool you

The color's only missing
because I haven't shown you yet.

An Old One

2011-10-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

You're just stones in my pocket
and I'm drowning so fast
You're just bones out of socket
humoring ghosts of the past

I've got a hole in my vessel

a crack in my mast

I've got a whole ship screaming
and this ocean's so vast.

Double Helix

2011-10-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

my view from inside the whirlwind
where somehow
I seem to've stopped time

this place where
one moment's forever

where connection's by one finite line.

I'm talking about
the window
where solely I look through to yours

cautiously I dare to remember
bits of the scenes and the horrors

We severed ties on a foggy platform

highheels cocked inward with worried knees

Then parted eyes from our telescope romance

rolling waves crushing into icy sleeves.

truth

2011-10-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

May.

I've got a mouthful of truths

and I've been chewing

and chewing

and chewing them up

just to get them down.

But if you keep putting your words in there

ones that don't belong

ones that aren't mine

I might just spit them all in your face.

The Tortoise and the Hare

2011-10-20T15:41:00.001-07:00

How can you respect her

when she still believes

in nonsense things

Like God and Love.

Brussels Sprouts

2011-10-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

Indifferent in the Genesis

Kindred from the Renaissance

Enamored at the exodus

Heartbroken since the epilogue

Began to think we'd grown apart

perception changed

Celeste went arms

She's searching

frantic

and she just wont stop

til she finds the message in the analog.

relations

2011-09-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

Haiku

I do not want what you're selling

I wanted what you had advertised.

sidewalk.

2011-09-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

I stood there

smaller than a child

red curtains dangling

pebbles imprinting feet

that hadn't felt the hot cement

in ages.

I overflowed

asking

if this was what dying felt like

Self diagnosis

A mystery solved

Hands shaking and empty

the vacancy making them

frigid.

Staring

Breaking

Mending

Pulsating back and forth

between death and immortality

a flash in a mirror

and suddenly I was

the grayest blue

from elbow to icy finger tip

For a moment and a half

I was just a frosted window

One in which she saw her

painful past

I folded around her

until we became one body

four arms

one center

An Explosion

that even with eyes sealed shut

could only be described as

gold champagne

and some how then

as we released

the haunted was freed

and I was again

just as plainly colored as stained wood

and just as warm

as resurrection.

it.

2011-09-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

August 20, 2011

Stop.

Stop looking.

You know where it is.

They've told you.

You've told you.

You're just playing dumb.

And no one's in the game

anymore.

No one

but you.

Momentum.

2011-09-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

August 20, 2011

Wound like a spring

strained with tension

pulled tight on my ends

and preparing for release

self aware of my conscious's spiral

the curves of my infinity

the inevitable change of my

sameness

It's all just a different side of

the

same

old

thing

A mobius strip

A life on repeat

The words change

but the song is the same

Skip forward

Rewind and

Pause

Remix and

Re-do

but

familiarity

is bound to grow stale

Turn me down and match my beat

with a similar song

but different.

Switch tracks

of vinyl or train

so long as it's

not again

this 8-count refrain.

long time no speak.

2011-09-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

I called them today

and told them I was grateful

I told them I was sorry

that I didn't know I hurt them

when I let others hurt me

I told them I was lucky

I told them that I loved them

and then my dad picked up the extra handset

so we could all cry about it

together.

All I Said

2011-08-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

was,

"I don't believe in that kind of love."

and he looked right through that facade and said,

"Oh,

Someone hurt you, didn't they?"

The Recluse

2011-08-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

Haiku.

I need someone

to recognize

You don't love me

You love my disguise

2011-08-08T00:18:00.001-07:00

sometimes I want to wilt it all like flowers

molt it all like bugs

sometimes I want to wash it off like showers

and run until I'm numb.

All You Are is Now.

2011-07-03T03:01:00.000-07:00

The waves hit me like time

and I am reminded

that we create our pasts

to make our present relevant

and none of this will matter in the morning.

How I Left Myself Behind

2011-07-03T02:16:00.000-07:00

I was always with him.

But I realized my mistake

and left to find myself instead.

I only met disappointment

when I proved more elusive than expected.

And

I grew discouraged

when I couldn't find me anywhere

because

he'd always made it look so easy.

I wandered through the blueprints

tracing every line

and when I found my corridor

I knew that it was mine.

I floated over dark stained wood

and prepared to find my room

when suddenly from down the stairs

I heard troubled voices call.

So I forged a map in my memory

and promised I'd come back.

I found the source of the wailing

and stood frowning at their closed door

I wouldn't stay there
forever

I told myself

I'd just stay

long enough

and not a minute more.

The truth is

that was lives ago

and I just shook awake.

Molting the stale reality

that I'd been sleepwalking

through my body's wake.

I am standing in my new home

where no one resides

but me

visiting

whispering

ghosts

who haunt me in my sleep

but even after waking

I look down

and I can see

that I am still floating

dark stained wood

four full inches below my feet.

Answers for Ink.

2011-04-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

Haiku

A constant reminder

that while being the leaf

I am still the tree

The Remnants de Mon Coeur

2011-04-19T08:16:00.001-07:00

J’ai utilisée tout les mots
I know
how.
And now

I’m left with seulement
scraps.

Splinters, d’un fragile mind
-shattered
encore, encore et
encore.

Alors
S’il vous plaît,

pardon the mess
I’m still putting my vie back ensemble

and I’m all mixed up.

Written before it even ended

2011-04-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

Is it worth it?

The fights

The feuds

the unbearable interludes

Is there even another option?

Can you be just one of many?

Could you leave me be?

For the sake of my sanity?

I've built so many futures around a disappearing act

that my cities seem random

like lunatics planned them

And I'm left with a hollow ville

Echoes on marble

my heart is rendered

to a ghostly sung song

and a city poorly centered.

Please

if you're going to leave me

for gods sake

make it the last time.

Feeling Backwards

2011-04-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

Quick

Somebody tell me to never look back.

To look forward and forget

all that was.

Quick.

Somebody tell me i don't have to feel this.

That I deserve better.

That it doesn't have to be this way.

Somebody tell me I'm losing my mind

That this isn't it

That there's better out there to find.

Quick

Somebody tell me.

Encore

2011-03-31T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've perfected the art

of the false reveal

I strip down

so rough

so crude

so seemingly nude

but be warned

there's always another layer.

Colocotaire

2011-03-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

No matter how dead I claim

it always comes back

the feeling of

being betrayed

feel like

running away

but the blood from my legs

vacated those veins

and made its escape

now it all pumps to my face

and the pale

is being replaced

by a visual scream.

Fusion

2011-03-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

These lines are blurring

like lipstick on a mirror

rough

yet smooth

I see these lights

and feel the darks

and I'm holding my breath

as I adjust to this infused reality

like a fish out of water

or a girl under surface

I prolong visions

of laying on my back

at the bottom of a crystal pool

watching warped figures

laughing

out of happiness

fear

and confusion

these faces all dance across my rippled screen

and I motion for the water to keep me under

so that I can remain an anonymous viewer

for just a bit longer

The colors,

they are beautiful

and the talking,

there is little

but everyone here knows

exactly what is meant.

Past Tensed. Present Released.

2011-03-04T18:38:00.001-08:00

I'd spent my adolescents feeling so old

I felt robbed of my youth

I became resentful of others who hadn't had it stolen away as I had

I decided to leave my town

The friends I had made

and kept

I wanted to escape the sterile chaos of routine

It made me feel trapped

Made me feel insane

I picked a destination

Took my decision by the hand and ran with it

Freedom my Marathon's medallion

Love handed me France

The promise of

Change

Experience

Culture

Academics

It offered me a paralyzed clock

Who would raise no hand against me

Here

I promised myself

I would not age

Here

I would bloom

So I ventured

I took long walks in solitude

I painted in silence

I wrote to the gentle hums of my thoughts and the purring of my happy pen

I felt peaceful

I talked to the moon

and smiled at the trees

I became whoever I wanted

I invented myself

And I realized

My youth had never been stolen from me after all

I'd only misplaced it

And though I wear my adult disguises

of business skirts

high-heeled boots

and the occasional rouged lips

I do not fool the Port Guard

who wishes me a Bonjour

and calls me

Petite Mademoiselle

I smile now not because I have to

Not because I am expected to

I smile because I am happy

Happy with a secret

That I've done the impossible

I've gone back in time.

Everything at Once

2011-02-22T17:17:00.001-08:00

What is love to me?

It is everything it seems it shouldn’t be.

It is the antithesis of my naive

assumptions.

Love isn’t butterflies.

It’s the calm that’s left in your stomach after they vacate.

Love isn’t needing to be with them every moment.

It’s knowing if you walked away now

you’d be happy if reunion ever came.

Love is giving with out selfish intentions

Love is reassurance

Love is laying on driftwood in an infinite ocean

with warm sunshine and a cooling breeze.

Love is Gratitude

Love is past longitude and latitude

it’s attitude

It’s feeling absolutely fine

It’s knowing there’s no “yours” and there’s no “mine”

It’s finally comprehending that there

ending.

No time.

Just us.

Just all.

Just one.

I love all the world at once.

And it’s hard.

8

2011-01-03T03:40:00.000-08:00

Relentless

Defenseless

Insistence

Persistence

No sense in

Resistance

Shaken up

Shake again

Look.

I'm tired of this tumbling text

of nothing and

nonsense

confessions

and

misleading digress

contradictions

create friction

and floating metaphors

without supports

only leave me

hanging.

I'm found reaching yet again

arches stretched and singing

calves are screaming

knees are pleading

I want your frothy blue liquid to

solidify

in time

and space

and being

and grace

and just

live

know

glow

survive

revitalize

realize

that who you are

should not depend on which angle you hit the glass at

or the number of taps it took to get you to turn and face the light

I want your responses to be

a little more precise

concise

personalized and

full of insight

I want to learn something from you

not play you

not get bored of you

confused by you

lead in circles

lead in knots

need a map

for all these thoughts

It seems now is not the time

Tried matching things up

line by line

rhyme to rhyme

but forcing does no good.

I'm tired and losing my patience

I'm tired and losing my focus

please

I can't help but feel

that with every answer

you are asking me another question

and they just

never

end.

So please

ask again

Later.

My Dear Friend, ECM

2010-12-21T05:42:00.001-08:00

January 2008

Sometimes I get this seed in my head
That sprouts into a leaning weeping willow tree
And instead of leaves
the thin branches are lined with blue and purple beads
And when a gust of wind
As small as a sigh
From the tiniest child
Comes wandering through
The tiny gems resemble those that left my eyes
That first year away from you.

Austin Harder.

2010-12-21T05:40:00.000-08:00

September 2008

he makes it look so simple.
that smile.
those eyes.
his windchime laugh that climes the stairs inside your brain.
back down again.
but your thoughts dont lower with his tone.
they stay elevated, like the peak of his pitch.
the more you can manage
to make him release those musical antidotes
the more anesthesia will be released
into those cold veins
that lay in your arms
they will not be empty forever
the hollow passages lead to a heart
damaged beyond recognition
but with a harmonica and a brightly lit moon
splashes of sandy smiles
will end the pain soon.

Non-Recyclable

2010-12-19T07:11:00.001-08:00

The pen I have used

to scribble all of my views

the clues to

the abuse

the truths

is bleeding
and
spotting
and
running
and
dying

I have so many things to write about.
So many utensils to pick from

though
I kept making the same mistake.

But
The pen I always choose

and is

designated for you
is now

all out of ink.

Stones in Her Pockets

2010-12-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

All I ever wanted
was for you to tell me you loved me
and mean it

and I thought one day you had

but I was wrong.

And I got over that.

And moved on.

I thought
All I'd ever want

is for you to say you're sorry
and mean it.

And I thought one day you had

But I was wrong

You never will be

and I'm learning to cope.

Now I know
that
All I'll ever want
is for you to leave me alone
and mean it

And I thought one day you had

but I was wrong.

But I'll fight you off.

Because it wasn't 8 months ago
to me.

Tug.

2010-12-16T02:41:00.000-08:00

Haiku

You're from where I'm from
Where I am, You are
So, maybe we never left?

Call me Inidrad.

2010-12-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

You were young
And I was younger

But only by a month

By way of our freckles
You could count the days

We'd spent outside

playing parentless

crushing poisonberries with rocks
and rubbing dirt on our
bodies.

Can you imagine someone
who deserves to be happy
more than the child
you grew up next to?

And can you imagine
the pain that comes
with realizing she wasn't?

Not at all.

We shrink back down
and wear our bodies like
dress up clothes.
Ankles gather length

Our arms are sleeves
That just cover our hands

"Look what I can do."

We hide in these disguises
a pantomime of a decade passed
Hiding under a pile of clothes
in the back of the walk-in closet.

Time has a tear in it's fabric

We walk through that curtain

And into a new scene
of two girls
in a bathroom
clouds of powder floating
-or-
lipstick smearing
-or-
bathtub water running
-or-
font water seeping through our socks
We've undergrown these clothes
We've bought
With money earned
doing adult things.

We are just children.
Not impostors.

We're just lost.
And homeless.

We're just playing dress up.

Vidanger

2010-12-14T00:19:00.001-08:00

You've stripped me down to

an empty room.

I had a deadbolt

that I didn't bother to lock

So I told you to jiggle the handle

But you took full advantage of access

And then you took the pins to my hinges

one at a time

so I wouldn't notice.

I would've locked you out

but my deadbolt proved useless

and even then

you'd stolen my door overnight.

Then

I lay in my bed

avoiding your essence

and just as I started to succeed

you smashed my window in

to remind me you knew where I lived

A bed meant for dreaming

and receiving refreshing rest

I had to get rid of that open coffin

where I let my life turn to

dark days

and shredded velvet

shattered glass

and reminders of you

I still sit in this room

for there is no leaving

I still wonder

cross-legged

alone

on the floor of this vacant space

Why it is You have

always tried so diligently

to break down

all of my barriers

but then never cared

to step inside?

Renaissance of a Dreamer

2010-12-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

I've been standing at a cross roads

lately, metaphorically

but tonight

matter of factly.

The loud silence

of white flakes

meeting black concrete

creates such a contrast

That my ears hum quietly

in hopes of filling an otherwise

painful meditation

Who are these people I'm so afraid to leave?

Who are these people I'm so afraid to meet?

Disturbances to my reverie

I stand and I wait.

Packing my brain into boxes

compartments and folders

a lovely mess

of memories

plans

and unfinished projects

I can do this

I will do this

I was born with things to do

And I'm sick of being such a cowardly nomad

Onward and Upward

The beginning of the end of something

too familiar

A quick and painless death

for a life hardly lead

A life spent

mostly following

I gulp down a brisk shot of this

bone chilling confidence

and take my first step of many

into the night.

Trust

2010-12-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

I don't trust that I meet your expectations

I don't trust my gut during hesitations

I don't trust that your eyes aren't

looking for something better

I don't trust that my skin

can hold me together.

I don't trust my heart to lead me right

I don't trust my mouth to express my mind.

I don't trust my voice to hit these notes

that will strike the right chord

within your soul

But most importantly

and quite frankly

most to the point

I don't trust at all.

I tried to match it -- Seam by Seam -- But could not make it fit.

2010-11-30T21:48:00.001-08:00

You dare to wonder

Why I hesitated to make you mine

To make myself yours?

Take a step back

Take a look at you

Take a look at me

one with more depth than

this two dimensional

moaning poster

you've rendered me to

Just outlines and curvatures

You've come to prefer

Concave

You did.

Convexed

I am.

You couldn't pretend

You were always a horrible faker

when it was you were faking

I always knew.

At least with him

I had to find out.

An eventual disappointment

You have just been a perpetual one

Catching you in your blunders

as we tumble under covers

of lies

upon lies

upon truths.

You said you were afraid

that you'd become the reason

I no longer believe in trust

I said

Don't flatter yourself

You've just become another sadistic statistic

You claimed aggression

deep pain

because I said you loved too easily

You claimed depression

such heartache and strain

because I could leave so easily

But Darling,

You left first.

For Her

2010-11-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

Empty Vessel

We had laughs when you were full

Each press release

a gust of pure enjoyment

a gust of pure ecstasy

I had nightmares as your content was escaping

leaking

back into the atmosphere

like an elusive aerosol can

now you've embodied all my fears

Have I spent you up?

Is it something that I did?

Was there always a limit on my use

I thought you to be infinite.

I thought we all were.

I watched your hazel fade

to a haunting ghostly shade

I warned you of these changes

but your ignored my pleas

to get back in your body

now you're just wreaking havoc

on this fragile ozone layer

so that I might not be

the only one

you get to harm.

Now I'm left with this

cold betrayal

hollow apathy

and useless aluminum

only

I can't trade this in

for any compensation

my only option

is to vacate

and

forget

you made the stay harder

you made the leaving easy

Recycled goods

Alien parts

Unexpected malice

point me to a place

you promise never to inhabit.

You Shouldn't Have...

2010-11-30T10:33:00.000-08:00

Record timing.
My god how have I done it?

haven't even gotten through
two full pages of forward slashes
filled in boxes
X'ed out numerals
before we completed
our inevitable mission.

For him I have no words.
For her
you can bet I have a few.
And I'll start with two.

Thank You.

You have finally
liberated me.

You two have teamed together
gone dutch
and given me
the most tremendous gift

Freedom

And it's not even my birthday, yet.

Lucid

2010-11-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

Early November

Sitting above these spinning wheels

twisting at this leather til it peels

You could never know just how it feels

As I convulse

screaming pleas at the broken windshield

Never relate

negotiate

just play

hit me one way

then attempt to sedate

had me dozing for a while

but its not that late

checking the clock

its time to be awake

had me sleeping through days

in a hazy daze

trying out ways

that I could see your face

Holding in screams

some slipping through seams

You're haunting my dreams

"Shh, maybe baby it's not as crazy as it seems?"

but

who's here now

that knows how to comfort me?

Even present for my night time delusions

I'm profusely fighting off these violent confusions

melted mouths in lucid illusions

Trying to help but you're being quite abusive

How am I supposed to maintain my pain

refrain from going insane

when each night is the same?

It's such a shame

cause

there's love where there's blame

keep returning like a stupid moth to the flame

This horror's nothing I haven't survived before

Lived through and died before

Given up and been revived before

I think I'm bound to live some more

Gonna take something

a little worse

than

splitting moons through mitosis

hitting fists to noses

six feet under feeding beds of blue roses

holding your face close as it decomposes.

You Only Like Them When They Rhyme

2010-11-18T08:27:00.001-08:00

April 17th 2010

You have me stuck

in this god damn riddle

I'm so sick of

being caught in the middle

for months upon months

and hours upon days

You've pulled me back and forth

in a thousand different ways

And now here you have me

cornered at last

stuck in a rhyme scheme

kissing your ass.

March 20 2010

2010-11-16T09:52:00.000-08:00

Haiku

Find a place to lay.

Find someone else to lie to.

Forget who I am.

March

2010-11-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

Wish I had the wind's ability to be so clear

better yet

I wish I had your ability to just disappear.

Empty Vessel

2010-11-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

Haiku

Empty husk

once bearing fruit

Do you realize that

your season is nigh?

January 20, 2009

2010-11-10T18:30:00.000-08:00

.Break down.

.Give in.

.To love.

---

.Give out.

.Break up.

.From love.

Crude.

2010-10-26T23:34:00.001-07:00

These eyes

so prude and silent

If only you knew

how secretly they desired

to strip and scream.

Slowly

some evenings

I undress them

They whisper as you dream

and though mine are those

scantily clad

I smile shyly for yours.

Secrets passed to modest lenses

lids used for slumber

unlike mine which are primarily

defenses.

I'd sing half naked to you someday

if only I weren't the only one who could

break the threshold of this window's time frame

Lids.

Clothes.

Curtains.

Skin.

Quiet notes wafting in.

Pull this facade back gently

and join in my secret candor

If I hadn't written it down, I'd have forgotten. Again.

2010-10-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

Muted stutters and

upside down numbers

I loved you once

and I loved you well

I can tell.

'Cause though I can't remember

kissing your nose and smiling

or laughing at your tendency to trip on your first step

like it wasn't yours at all,

I remember trees

I remember green

and I remember gold.

I remember our meeting place

of a thousand wild hearts

and infinite sunsets.

Oh,

how they've turned to rises.

If only you knew to convert

to the raise of the

rays

Gold

Peach

Kiss

Unified bliss

End this heartache and miss

I loved you once

and I loved you well

I can tell

I just can't remember.

Reliquiae

2010-10-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

Dizzy with remembrance

I sit and meet your lips

Hoping to remind You

by leaving subtle hints

I knew I knew I knew You

And You remember vaguely, too

but loving is so lonely

when it comes to historic You

I wander to the hay fields

sunrise and sunset

Waiting for wildflowers' bloom

a Universe begets

Little seedlings settle

in the graves of corpses' passion

and my cold recognition

fleets in a similar fashion

It all comes winding down now

to a small bristled blooming head

and in place of floating to new grounds

we stay and reminisce instead.

Shhhhh.

2010-10-18T02:15:00.000-07:00

words.words.words.eyes.

hiatus.

scrunched feet and aching spines.

I understand your silence

and You reciprocate my glances.

I don't want your forever

I am perfectly content with your now.

Mutual sanctity

Manic sanity

Just be

And let me hear You with these eyes

I know you.

And it goes.

2010-09-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

And just like your time
I borrowed these bones
but I wouldn't have at all
if I'd known how often they'd
bend and crumble

and just like these bones
I've borrowed these words
but I wouldn't have at all
if I'd known how often they'd
blend into mumble

And just like those words
I borrowed romances
but I wouldn't have at all
if I'd known how often they'd
end up just lustful

And just like those romances
I borrowed friends
but I wouldn't have at all
if I'd known how often they'd
prove distrustful

And just like those friends
I borrowed opinions...

8.22.2010

2010-08-30T00:54:00.000-07:00

And like that

my youth was gone.

On the eve of such a day

where infinity meets

its tail and

two coiled snakes bow

in prayer

I feel this sky lifting

and my clouds are drifting in

Far from menacing

More like celestial.

I look around and though

I've found my family

my purpose

my death and my birth

all in one warmly spun morning,

I'm losing them all with this sunset

as I look from side to side

and realize

somewhere along the lines

I chose to grow old alone.

Here it is.

2010-08-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

I half expected you to be there

as I breathed in the ghost of your scent

and hugged your fossil.

I half expected you to be there

when I opened these eyes

so slowly

in secret

trying not to scare you off.

And for a moment you were there

but my sense of vision persisted

and my reality quickly scattered off into a dream

and I was left following its dissolving footprints

tread in steady waters

still

expecting you to be there.

Hover.

2010-07-30T15:36:00.001-07:00

young acrobat
your face so full of tension and regret
your head is getting heavy
but you havent landed yet
stretch and pose those legs so agile
forget those bones so young and fragile

flying is always possible

long as you stay up in the air.

Crackle

2010-07-30T10:52:00.001-07:00

I used to watch the fire come
from a place up on our hill
no water near our brand new home
just uninterrupted view

I used to watch the fire come
and hug my knees so tight
but senses seemed to fail me
when it came to fight or flight

I used to watch the moons collapse
and collide in slowing motion
and all I could think to do
was avert my eyes from such emulsion

I used to watch the fire come

I used to watch the fire come

but now as I sit on this lake shore

I smell the smoke come first.

Cardinal Swing

2010-07-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

I remember this feeling.
Packing my life into a back pack
an armful's worth of clothes
wrapped in a tearing green blanket

I dragged my things down those steps
and I walked into the sunset
to the sound of a loud tv inside
and disencumbered laughs

How many deaths have I witnessed this week?
How many divisions without proper goodbyes?

I will be leaving now but

I'm not holding out to see you on the other side.

Community

2010-07-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm just a place he goes
when he needs a home
when he feels alone.

Trapped and singing
my melody turns to a
hesitant murmur
and the other cages erupt in unison
to save their dying star.

Born.

2010-07-12T02:16:00.001-07:00

I don't know now that you've

brought me to the sunrise

that I could ever turn back to the

night.

Sunset is beautiful

but what follows

other than salacious acts in shadows

and

sleep?

Give me muted pinks

and citrus orange

birds calling to me,

"Good Morning"

and wet grass to wake my somber feet.

I am revived.

I am alive.

Join Me.

"I just think there is something so spiritual about this time. When the World is asleep, and nature is left to itself."

-JAK

Mist

2010-07-08T01:42:00.000-07:00

Where is the gravity for my soul?

I feel like pieces
I feel I'm floating
I was always almost
proud
to be considered a head in the clouds

realizing now

ahead

doesn't always reference a good thing.

Bring me somewhere I can breathe.

I'd been living on artificial life support
for so long
from so young
I didn't realize
my lung was a tank of iron

What is this mouth I have?

Is it to speak?
To consume?

I didn't know it could be used
for this, too.

The opposite of lightheaded
I slowly am beginning to sink
from the clouds
level out
and now I can admire their
forms from below
as they were meant to be

instead of just seeing them
as a thick wet cloak of
gray.

2010-07-08T01:41:00.001-07:00

Until I find an anchor

These words will have to do.

Here Goes.

2010-07-08T01:29:00.000-07:00

throwing this
cinder block
to the bottom of my feet
and hoping
it keeps me grounded

I need to stop getting so afraid

I always forget

I can breathe in here.

Inflation

2010-07-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

Like those bills you made

you forged adornments on my paper heart

then balled me up in your fist

to give me some convincing damage

For a while I was your treasure

Worth whatever you wanted

Stamp a number on me

And that was that

I could've brought you anything you wanted

And you knew it

But then one day you spent me

And now that I've been circulated

I feel empty

I feel different

And I know I'm not like the others in this drawer

Just a scrap

realizing I'm counterfeit.

Keep in Mind

2010-06-21T12:05:00.001-07:00

My life follows a schedule

a repeating pattern

a tight centered cycle

and it has me concerned.

I make all of these efforts

these big time investments

but I'm left to question

which of these results I have earned.

Was it the feeling of love and

commitment

the reward of having someone so close

Was it the broken heart

these scars on my neck

and indifference from the ones I loved most?

Every year

For the past three years

June 20th.

Give or take a day.

Just like clockwork

it all begins

and every year

I grow more afraid

because somehow they progressively get better and better

more promising

more enticing

yet somehow

they end

worse.

What fortune's inside your golden shell?

What kind of damage will you do?

First there was infidelity and abandonment

Second there was every kind of abuse

What's left that could one up the rest?

All that's left is murder.

You will completely

destroy me

engulf me

and

force me to drown

and once my body's lifeless

your silt will continue to

break me down.

I don't think I have the strength

to fight off your draw

I'd be swimming against a current

that is much too strong

You have me entangled

I'm part of your web

I'm singing your praises

and you're inside my head

Well

make yourself at home

cause there's no kicking you out

but don't forget

that there's

three

of you about

I can't keep you straight and

I can't keep you narrow

Cause you all seem to melt

my bones to the marrow

I'm left in a puddle

yours to drink down

get drunk off of my liquid

for a night on the town

but hours will fly by and

fun becomes boredom

your words will turn harsh

and I'll probably reward them.

I wont keep myself clueless

I've come to realize

that my love's like a cycle

and it sets with the skies.

Morning hours bring sobriety

clarity

and thought

I'll sit on your shelf

Knowing well what I'm not

I'm just another bottle

emptied and dried

can't stop intoxicating

though trust me

I've tried.

Marbles.

2010-06-19T15:37:00.001-07:00

feels like
losing all your consciousness
as all your pebbles move

You're just a cloud
trying to contain your fluid

All your rain

it's building up inside

but when it rains
it pours
just remember
that it dries.

Friend.

2010-06-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

three syllables
followed by
infinite laughs
I go and I go and I go
and as I begin to show signs of stopping
you push me along
for another verse
and then we sing in chorus

life mimics moments
and moments are just
perfect metaphors

I appreciate it now

Thank you
for your gentle push
the force you use
to keep me moving forward
I only hope I can do the same for you

Laugh with me.

Symphony #3,206,152,010

2010-06-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

I died today
and this is my memento
Death is just
remembrance
and life is meant to be played
lento
We are dying every minute
every moment
all day long
So play your chords and raise your voice
cause we are just a song

2010-06-15T11:27:00.001-07:00

You can love everyone once you realize you don't have to love just one.

Love Poem

2010-06-15T11:21:00.001-07:00

If it weren't for my need to wake up everyday
on the same planet as you
surely I would die of happiness in my sleep tonight
knowing you exist

Love is expanding my being beyond the
constraints of physical form
into absolutely nothing at all
but a bright white light
of concentrated joy

2010-06-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

The only thing better than laughing

Is smiling quietly.

Virginity

2010-06-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Solid turns to liquid
as I slowly compress
The weight of the world
moved from shoulders to chest
Pushing me inward
the Universe is my guest.

Offering itself up as my gift
toward
toward
toward
it is so beautiful.

I am beautiful.

And I'd keep it all if only I could contain it.
The only reasonable refusal being
an equal offer
but it can not contain me

and so we laugh

Note.

2010-06-15T08:17:00.001-07:00

I have a voice inside me
a well so dark and deep

one drop is all the sound it meets

and so it is deafeningly loud
Ripples and waves

leaving marks in the form of sound

these rings expand forever
and so with every transfer
of motion
I am made
infinite.

Dare

2010-06-15T08:14:00.001-07:00

flood from my feet
burn up from my hair
and tear this existence in
half.
snap me like your
broken kindling
and hear my
staccato laugh

I am music

I am fearless blue

Don't worry I'm not staying here
cause I'm just passing through.

You can't be Adamant for Ever.

2010-06-15T06:03:00.001-07:00

Trading Immortality
to play God
if that's not irony
I don't know what is.
Because of Adam
I was born with a ticking clock
Now that I've found Eve
I realize there's no such thing.

時間不存在。鐘錶存在。

Stab Jacket

2010-06-12T10:48:00.001-07:00

It's not where I live
it's just the blinders I wear
heavy and inconvenient
like a sopping wet mess.

Take this coat from off my shoulders

and let me float away.

The Return of the Useless Deadbolt.

2010-06-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

How do I shut you out?

I'd change my locks

if I had a door.

Segmented.

2010-06-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

I know these aren't mine
So why do I let them get so personal?

Kissing every surface of my face

A slow finger
tracing
every hill
and riding every
slope

Connect A to B.
eyes to mouth.
and sometimes chin.
these are points
i could live without
ever becoming a line.

Codependency

2010-06-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

My atmosphere is tingling
with the knowledge that
something is wrong
but I'm too proud to ask her.
and I'm too ashamed to tell him.
and I'm much too polite to trouble them.

Sharpen your shears and come a little closer
cut these fibers that imprison me.
Sanitize that needle and wander this way
destroy this membrane that has made itself
my home.

I've become a ghost
a parasite's host

and it's
eating me
alive.

A weighted down soul
a star near a black hole

and it's
sucking my light all
away.

Overwhelmed

2010-06-12T10:32:00.001-07:00

Bitter.
I am silenced by my dire need to scream.
How you've robbed me of these little normalcies.
Nights alone used to be a special occasion
Now I just find myself
Crawling hands and knees
Up this infinite staircase
That I only hope
Will lead me to my bedroom.

A place for sleeping.
A place for quiet.
A place where tears go unseen.
Little thieves.
They come in at night
When everyone's asleep
And steal my frustrations away.

You can not donate emotions like these.
So when no vagrant finds them worth their while
I recycle them into something I can
Read
and
Fold
Crumple up
Frame or
Burn.

Embodiment leads me to a proper end
Because every indulgence into my
Human emotions
Means a moment of weakness
and I receive the proper consequences
For each individual defeat.

Live On.

2010-06-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

May

I knew I was the best love
he'd ever have
and I thought
because I knew that
it meant we were supposed to be
together
cause that's how love goes,
right?
Well now I've realized
I don't have to put up with
waiting
And so I'll leave him to spend
the rest of his life
trying to get over me
and the loss

Because no
broken window
or
broken jaw
is a greater payback

than a broken heart.

Balcony Talks

2010-06-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

Body tingles and I'm suddenly
.aware.
Of all the complex circuits and the
ties conjoining there
Every interaction
.pulls.
another way
Skin so delicate
these strings solidify or fray

Some
they will
.break off.
Some only tug from time to time
But yours is made of steel and

It drives my weary mind

Following your route You seem
to have it all mapped out
So do you lead me to a dead
end
road
Or to a round about?

Transfusion

2010-06-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Never know when
these things are
borrowed or
organic
They come on two occasions
both rare
but made well worth the wait.

Passing time builds pressure
and so I guard the release
Slowly it is freed
and yet I get no relief
Slightly torturous
but not enough to change my ways
Cause if I let them run free
they might not stop for days.

6th from the Sun.

2010-06-03T17:09:00.000-07:00

February

Tortured self indulgence
if there ever was such a thing
I wait until
You're too far gone
to creep through the reeds
and splash in your wake

The bright moon
my only witness
I splash and echo
plunge my toes
deep beneath the silky clay

This exfoliation
was reserved for a party of
two
The nucleus of deep blue ripples

Call me Saturn

I drift here
Stealing fine grain texture
and selling corners

I could wade all day
I could wait all year
and I have.
Now just one more
before you return
and we can tread these
night lit waters
together.

Obligated

2010-06-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

Spine Cracked and Singing
My pages lay open
ready for the reading
Prologue
Book
Epilogue
No Index
and Even less context
but it's all there
Like a bear trap with no spring
I'm left ajar
I couldn't close you out if I wanted to.

I tried translating my script
into foreign text
but that doesn't seem to work
And so I am cursed with vulnerability
And so I am blessed with truth
I can not lie

Please
Don't use these chapters against me.

Excused Absense

2010-05-29T01:43:00.000-07:00

You won't find me in there
I'm back and to the right
I'm wearing borrowed boots
Far too big for my own size
This suit would lay in shambles
Wrinkled down around my feet
If it weren't so repulsed by
the thought of hard concrete.
The familiar velvet blue almost
transparent in the skies
I find a welcomed refuge in this
hue brother to my eyes.
Abandoning all earthly things
to take a look outside
But now that I have wandered off
I'm alone with just my mind.
I could ride this train all day
but its not the smoothest ride
And I'm not sure you could follow
With your persistent sense of time.
Forget all that you have assumed
Figurative longitude and line
I guarantee it's miles from
Where you thought you'd climbed.
Close up those lids that beg for rest
And open those inside
Cause when you're truly looking the
truth simply can not hide.

Possession

2010-05-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

Took me twenty years
or so I thought

These little traces
Hints of clarity
Keep making themselves present

Knowledge beyond my years
A stranger's voice
Recorded in my own journals
A blurry photo
that I never realized had
a focused subject
Upon review
I realize
I've always gotten life
I just never
Had it.

Now I've formed a lasso
with these dreams
thoughts
inquiries
and the simple will to
Learn
and slowly but surely
I'm closing this loop
shrinking this circumference
and tightening this grasp.
I feel the pull.

Soon this life of mine will truly belong to me.

The Can't Express.

2010-05-26T23:36:00.001-07:00

May 6th

Push and Press
Smooth and Slide
For even Tone
Cover up and Hide
Then just
Blend and
Blend and
Blend

You can cover these Scars
But You can't hide what they represent.
Those nails once plucked strings
to love songs about me
Now they're just the parents of
little reminders

What do I do with these broken thoughts?

A malicious stranger must've left a penny on my tracks
'cause now all my trains seem to come derailed.

Rough.

2010-05-24T21:44:00.001-07:00

Reach.

2010-05-22T01:41:00.001-07:00

DRIFTING BY I THOUGHT

I WAS JUST ANOTHER

CLICHED HANDBAG

MY HEART BOOMED AT

AN UNSTEADY RATE

AND HONESTLY

.I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME.

AND I COULDNT

FOR THE LIFE OF ME

FIGURE

OUT

Why?

YET HERE WE ARE

I'M ENTANGLED

AND ENTRANCED

BY YOU

YOUR WORDS

YOUR BEAUTY

INWARD AND OUTWARD

YOU SUCK ME IN WITH YOUR

UNDERTOW

AND JUST WHEN I FEEL

might

drown

YOU FILL ME WITH

THE MOST REFRESHING BREATH

MY LUNGS MIGHT EVER MEET

LITTLE TEACHER

THREE YEARS AGO

I MADE A LIST

AND YOU WERE ON IT

YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT

BUT I FOUND YOU FOR A REASON.

I DONT KNOW YOU

BUT I LOVE YOU.

YOU WERE ON PURPOSE.

AND YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ALIVE TO ME.

wander

2010-05-22T01:36:00.000-07:00

Hate leaving you broken like that

unfinished and mangled

a mess that I'm not done

a knot yet to be untangled

The longer I leave you

the more you ferment

and though you're in the other room

I get drunk off your wafting scent.

Wander closer, Dearest

but do not touch these lips

inspire another creation

full of heart and clever quips.

Bandages

2010-05-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

bury me in blankets

cold quilted reverie

fold around my crumpled arms

and muffle all I speak

soften these edges

friend

and stitch me up inside

because

I am fading fast

and yet

feel amplified.

proximity

2010-05-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

YOU'VE RUINED ME!

PLEASE

NO ONE COME AND TOUCH

I LONG FOR THE SUBTLE NORMALCY

BUT THE CLOSE PROXIMITY'S

TOO MUCH

.BORROWED.BENT.AND.BROKEN.

BUT THE FEAR IS ALL MY OWN

CAUSE THOUGH I'VE TRIED TO FIGHT IT OFF

THE PANIC'S ALL I'VE KNOWN

A FRIEND I DO NOT LIKE

BUT STILL CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE

I WISH I COULD JUST CUT THESE TIES

CAUSE I THINK IVE HAD

ENOUGH

Presence

2010-05-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

Mid Transfusion

I'm a colored mist

I lightly pop and

fizz

soft eruptions

hardly violent
just to keep you curious

Drip

Pop

I follow the rise and fall

of your shoulders

as you breathe the way

you incorrectly
learned so long ago.

Five Foot Nine

2010-05-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

You said you feel trapped in your body

Sometime's I kneel

banging at the doors

to get back into mine.

I know you walk through life

being rated

five stars for that face

and legs that go on for days

Such a pretty prison

The guards can hardly empathize

But I can look through those bars

I can see it in your eyes

If I were blind

You'd still be beautiful to me

An Aerial View

Boxspring Altar

Attached at the Hip

Room for One

Frostbite

Chrysalis

Introductions.

Lost Chronicles: Dec 20, 2010

the endless corridor.

Learning Styles

High Contrast Corn Syrup

An Old One

Double Helix

truth

The Tortoise and the Hare

Brussels Sprouts

relations

sidewalk.

it.

Momentum.

long time no speak.

All I Said

The Recluse

All You Are is Now.

How I Left Myself Behind

Answers for Ink.

The Remnants de Mon Coeur

Written before it even ended

Feeling Backwards

Encore

Colocotaire

Fusion

Past Tensed. Present Released.

Everything at Once

8

My Dear Friend, ECM

January 2008

Austin Harder.

September 2008

Non-Recyclable

Stones in Her Pockets

Tug.

Call me Inidrad.

You were youngAnd I was younger

But only by a month

By way of our frecklesYou could count the days

We'd spent outside

playing parentless

crushing poisonberries with rocksand rubbing dirt on ourbodies.

Can you imagine someonewho deserves to be happymore than the childyou grew up next to?

And can you imaginethe pain that comeswith realizing she wasn't?

Not at all.

We shrink back downand wear our bodies likedress up clothes.Ankles gather length

Our arms are sleevesThat just cover our hands

"Look what I can do."

We hide in these disguisesa pantomime of a decade passedHiding under a pile of clothesin the back of the walk-in closet.

Time has a tear in it's fabric

We walk through that curtain

And into a new sceneof two girlsin a bathroomclouds of powder floating-or-lipstick smearing-or-bathtub water running-or-font water seeping through our socksWe've undergrown these clothesWe've boughtWith money earneddoing adult things.

We are just children.Not impostors.

We're just lost.And homeless.

We're just playing dress up.

Vidanger

Renaissance of a Dreamer

Trust

I tried to match it -- Seam by Seam -- But could not make it fit.

For Her

You Shouldn't Have...

Lucid

You Only Like Them When They Rhyme

March 20 2010

March

Empty Vessel

January 20, 2009

Crude.

If I hadn't written it down, I'd have forgotten. Again.

Reliquiae

Shhhhh.

And it goes.

8.22.2010

You were young
And I was younger

By way of our freckles
You could count the days

crushing poisonberries with rocks
and rubbing dirt on our
bodies.

Can you imagine someone
who deserves to be happy
more than the child
you grew up next to?

And can you imagine
the pain that comes
with realizing she wasn't?

We shrink back down
and wear our bodies like
dress up clothes.
Ankles gather length

Our arms are sleeves
That just cover our hands

We hide in these disguises
a pantomime of a decade passed
Hiding under a pile of clothes
in the back of the walk-in closet.

And into a new scene
of two girls
in a bathroom
clouds of powder floating
-or-
lipstick smearing
-or-
bathtub water running
-or-
font water seeping through our socks
We've undergrown these clothes
We've bought
With money earned
doing adult things.

We are just children.
Not impostors.

We're just lost.
And homeless.